The Ego Episodes

Thursday, Oct. 09, 2003

Joycie 2.0

I was watching Everwood (and you should, too, by the way) yesterday and I had a Dawson's Creek Finale: Jen the Dying Mother Speaks moment -- sans tears and used Kleenex. Though I've always hated Amy for being such a User (in no way connected to drug abuse), I was thankful that she was being her normal self that time she forgot to do her homework, thus prompting a more than eager Ephram to give her his homework because he's brilliant and could easily furnish another paper during his free period, the end result of which is a lovely montage with -- wait for it -- an Ephram voice-over. Almost automatically, my ears did a sommersault before shutting off all other auditory stimuli except Ephram's voice.

(I'm sure some of you went, "Uhh ... okay. Whatever." Did I not tell you to watch the show? No? Are you sure? Really.)

Ephram said, "The more things change, the more they stay the same ... When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake, or an explosion where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people won't even notice unless they looked really, really close, which, thank God they never do. But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference and you hope that it is, that this is the person you'll get to be forever, that you'll never have to change again."

Those words brought me back to my high school days. I was a different person back then. Well, not exactly different as in this awesome transformation where you'd go "Whoah" when you see the before and after photos. It's not like that at all. I feel it's more like, some aspects of myself that were repressed before are now surfacing and more obvious, and vice-versa. It's like adding milk to a cup of coffee. The more milk you add, the more milky it tastes and less of coffee. But it's still the same cup.

I know it's a long time ago but I can't help thinking how I was like in the past. I think my high school peers see me as this very serious type of person with nothing in mind but school. Okay, not exactly untrue. My hair? I didn't care whether it was stiff like coconut husk or that I could play as Hermione's hair double. All I cared about was doing well in school. But I am not, nor was I ever, a very serious person. I'd say focused. But not very focused because I was watching tv (I had to chase jeepneys just to get back home in time for Ghostfighters/PBA games/Mari Mar) while doing homework and I didn't study unless there's a quiz. And I'd study the day before my final exams. And I didn't care much about my grades and there was one point that I didn't care whether or not I'd be graduating with the rest of my batchmates in 2000. Until my father put some sense into my head.

I didn't have an organizer because I prefer fixing my flexible schedule in my head. I didn't like joining clubs. To me, they're not necessary. I'd rather spend what free time I have with my tv shows. I was not a Paris Geller during high school. I wasn't responsible for any study group because a) I don't study b) I'm lazy and c) I don't have time to attend study groups and watch my tv shows at the same time. I don't like making summaries and re-writing my notes (and they don't work anyway). I'd freak out if my notebook comes out very neat because no doubt, I've got another person's notebook. I hated being chosen as a group leader as much as Physics.

But my peers didn't know that. They didn't know me as that kind of person. They remember me as someone who reads a textbook while the jeepney's running, oblivious to dust and hair flying all over the place, spends time in the library after lunch reading Scientific American and Discover, answers to the teachers' questions while everyone's already bored and sleepy, remembers lessons from 2 years ago, provides homework for everyone, never sleeps in class, is not capable of having a crush or any kind of emotion pertaining to falling in love, does not associate musical taste with rock, heavy-metal type of music, does not care about hair, shoes, or physical appearance, is not funny, is very serious, is possibly a boring person, is not to be messed with.

While those things do not perfectly describe me now, I'm some of it. I'm still lazy. But unlike in high school, I do away with work as much as I can. My rule? Not necessary, not worth doing. Then again, there's the question of what's necessary and what's not. I do not dwell on it for too long. I'm still a tv junkie. But worse. I don't read Scientific American et al, even though I know it will be helpful someday. Instead, I get myself drunk with fiction books and of course, tv shows.

I've been told that sometimes when I talk? It's like listening to a stand-up comedian. We were eating at Long John Silver's and then somebody said that he's bloated (it wasn't me). M, who's sitting in the same table with me, asked me what does "bloated" mean. And I said, "Well, it's when you feel very full and your tummy's all big and stuffed and OH MY GOSH, it's me!" She had a good laugh at that while I grimaced at the thought of my bulging tummy.

I study. But not as much as the others and only when I need to, which in this place means pretty much everyday. I've come to love Physics, then hated it for some time, then loved it again, after I've finished taking it in my first year. I still don't have a study group nor do I have any plans of having one in the future. I prefer studying on my own. Besides, I still am not a fan of making summaries, end of chapter notes and (oh dear) re-writing my notes. I like them nice and messy. And highlighted. Purple is THE highlighter color, people. Save for exam schedules, I basically don't follow a schedule. I believe in students having the prerogative to skip some lectures or tutorials. After all, we're adults and we're supposed to be baffled with all the decisions that we have to make. Even with shoes. A friend at work told me that every Chinese New Year, they would usually get a new pair of shoes. Then I said, "If that's the case then I'm good for the next five Chinese New Years." Recently, six. Six Chinese New Years.

So you see, I didn't exactly become a totally different person. I didn't become Joycie 2.0. Although if I did, it's not too bad. I'm happy and I won't ever regret becoming this person that I am now because I chose it. Deep inside, I know I'm still the same girl. I would know. Those who know me inside out, my best friends in high school, would know. And if I'm not making any sense, consult The Guestbook.

{ joycie at 11:58 p.m.}