The Ego Episodes

Tuesday, Sept. 02, 2003

End of Hiatus ... Hopefully

My two weeks of hiatus are up (like, days ago, as a matter of fact) and with the culmination of an activity that cost me, I felt, at least three months worth of peaceful sleep (not to mention caffeine!), I have freed up enough worry-space in my brain to write an entry.

The zoo entry will have to be deferred to a later date. I want to liven it up with pictures that I have yet to scan using my scanner that I have yet to install, all of which I can't do unless I finish, no, start cleaning my room that is slowly turning into a flea market with each passing day.

Anyhow, let me take you last Saturday, the night of the musical -- the one I had been yakking about? I thought my agony would end on Aug 2 (original date of the show) but alas, there were problems with our songs (or lack of) that we had to postpone the show -- after some relentless hair pulling (the musical committee's hair, not mine) and begging Jon and other musically talented people to compose original songs for the musical.

I thought that acting's easy. But months of working on this musical made me eat my words. I have high demands when it comes to the performances of actors and I have to admit that I'm basically not cut out for the craft. Really. I don't know, maybe it's in my role or what but the point is, a girl like me (or Kristin Kreuk) should not be allowed to act. Ever.

I ask myself, why is it so hard? I should be excited that for once, I have an excuse to exaggerate, to lie, to be someone else. But no matter what I do, nothing works. What is it? I'm too self-conscious? I'm a bad liar (which is true, by the way)? I don't like my character? I had to get drunk? What? Do I possess an unhealthy form of self-loathing that I don't think people should watch me? What is this entry turning into? I didn't think this musical would bring up such issues.

From the start, or first day of rehearsal -- because technically, I didn't finish reading the whole script until the first day of rehearsal -- I always thought that I am not fit to play this character (sweet, demure, demure, demure) but for some reason, I didn't refuse the role either. What was I thinking? A lot, probably -- except for that little thing that you know, I could actually say no? Or maybe I didn't think at all. I was informed of my role like so: Hey, you'll play Jenn! See you at rehearsal [insert day within the week]! And while the absorbing process took days, the decision part failed to materialize. I didn't decide. I just did.

I thought, there's no harm in trying. I could refuse at a later time. But see, that time never came. My conscience was keeping me from quitting and letting down a lot of people who have already spent countless hours working their asses off to make this thing work.

Friends told me: you and your character are not the same. That's the principle of acting.

But you are still acting. You need the original self to bring the character to life. You know what I'm saying? No? Anyhoo, what I'm saying is, it's hard. I would sit in the MRT and suddenly, I would be mouthing my lines while trying to complement it with facial expressions. And yes, maybe one or two people would see me every time. It's just crazy. I couldn't possibly write.

Rehearsing for the songs was a different story. I enjoyed singing the songs, it's just tiring. One session of 7-11 pm practice was not enough for each song. We had to rehearse and re-rehearse it while mastering another song. We had to learn fast. Once, we had to wake up at 7 am for practice. I had to sleep 4 hours a day for a week and be late for work. We struggled with the choreography and perfected the art of cramming. We were pushing ourselves to the extreme. Then more cramming. It was exhausting. And I'm not even in the committee.

I couldn't imagine how stressful it was for the committee (And here I am complaining. Oh wait, this is my diary.). I wasn't making it easier for them. They let me skip one rehearsal for my birthday (more on this later) and the director had to schedule another practice just so I wouldn't miss the musical for which I booked a ticket since June. They're just amazing people. Sure, they would reprimand us like we're 9 (because we were) but their intentions were good.

Sometimes (okay, oftentimes) during practice, I become this hellish brat you would want to throw down the well to be roommates with that spooky girl in The Ring. And what does my director do? He just steps outside and takes a deep breath -- at least that's how I imagine it. Point is, he does not lose his temper. And believe me, I can be a brat you would want to throw down the well with ... oh right, I've said that. He did not fire me (although the thought must have occurred to him) even though I think in my portrayal as Jenn, I have mutilated his sugary-sweet character. Note to future directors: You can fire me.

And while we're on this topic, what about my incessant talking? I couldn't shut up when I need to. Obviously.

(After lunch...)

What did I just write? It's all whine, I'm tired, whine, when will it end, blah. Aside from illustrating how I'm such a pain in the neck, I made it sound like I didn't have fun making the musical -- which is not true! Ditto, pain in the neck self reference. It was so much fun working with hardworking, fun-loving to the point of wacky, people. I'll spare you the details of said wackiness but it has to do with how some people can really "shake their bon bons". Every session was full of, "What happened to [insert name]? I didn't know he could [insert embarrassing act]!" And here I am thinking I'm the most neurotic of them all.

And then of course, there's my song. I love my song and I love singing it! It's one of the reasons I don't want to give up the musical. I'm lucky to be the one chosen to sing it. And yes, even if there was some point when I felt like strangling Jon for making the pitch so impossibly high, that song will forever have a special place in my heart.

We had a technical run before the show and I couldn't stop the panic from setting in. What if I sing the wrong pitch? What if I trip while walking down the stage? What if I can't change on time? I'm so hungry, where's my dinner? Okay, no time to worry about food. It's almost time. Focus. Oh my gosh, I'm still so hungry! I want another slice of bread.

I wasn't trembling (because of performance, not because I didn't have a proper dinner). I wasn't that nervous. I think the fact that I didn't see the crowd all throughout the show helped. I was minding my own business. I entered the stage, said my lines and exit. When I looked to the audience, I saw no faces -- just a bright light at the center and then darkness. Nothing. I guess my prayer worked.

I didn't trip. I held the rose the way Jon instructed me: hold gently with both hands. It's a rose, not a balloon, or spoon, or straw. But there's no way I could carry it with me while singing my song. I still couldn't see a familiar face. No Jussy -- she threatened to be within my sight line -- to distract me. No one but the bright light, the stage, the actors and the red rose gently resting near where I sat. I stood up and did not think of anything but the song. And the (ugh) gestures that I have to do. That was the hard part. I was playing Jenn, a human being, not C3PO.

Somehow the practices paid off. I sang the song with more ease than before. Or maybe I was just flat? Anyway, I could've done better but that's not important. I sang and did what I was supposed to do. And there's nothing like an applause to calm you down. To the audience I was looking down, maintaining that desolate (or is it?) expression, but inside I was relieved. I thought, my song's over ... the hardest part is over ... I can breath now.

As I changed into my red turtleneck top for the finale, I realized, this was all worth it. We have been bombarded with all kinds of problems but we've managed to pull it off. It's amazing how everything suddenly falls into place. We owe it to Him.

The finale was a blast. I love the theme song! I had so much fun singing it -- there was no pressure at all. I could see them now -- Jussy, Tim, Evad, my juniors, and the rest of the people in the theater. The turn up was much better than expected. It made me smile. Some more.

They say people regret the things that they didn't do more than the things that they did do. Now, I could strike out one thing under the Things I Regret Or Failed To Do On This Earth column. Aside from gaining new friends, this experience, made me realize a few things about myself.

I am not, for the life of me and everybody else, to play as a sweet girlfriend character ever again. I will not, for as much as a week, give up coffee, not until it's a week before the show. A dark theater helps. When in doubt, consult Jussy for costumes, from casual/formal/slightly slutty dating dresses to red halter tops. Dinner is as important as the performance itself. Hungry actors do not function well. A funky sleeping pattern does more harm than good. I would need at least two weeks notice of my role before the first day of rehearsal. I don't think I would do this kind of thing again. Well, maybe I can still join the choir. I kinda miss the practices and the people. "Shut Up, Joyce" is a handy t-shirt slogan.

{ joycie at 8:01 p.m.}