The Ego Episodes

Saturday, Apr. 23, 2005

Food for the Soul

He’s not giving up on me, why should I?

In science, there are fundamental laws and equations. These laws cannot be proven (as they don’t need to be proven) and only get universally accepted after years of trying them out to explain various physical phenomena. Newton’s law of gravity, Schrödinger equation – these are just some of the few “fundamental” laws in science.

Now, if there are these laws, there must be a Fundamental Truth – one that does not need proof, as it does not need to be proven. One that becomes more acceptable over time, as it successfully explains what is happening around us. I’m not talking about a physicist’s attempt at unifying the classical and quantum laws of Physics (or other fundamental forces for that matter). I’m talking about the One True Thing. He must be real. And no matter how times have changed or how tolerant people seem to be, we need something Constant.

Let me be clear that I’m not here to preach my religion. I am not the right person to do that, anyway; I can barely quote the Bible. I’m here to try and reconcile who I am and my faith.

The Catholic Church has suffered a multitude of criticisms over the years – centuries – and when I read about them (though my instinct tells me not to), I can’t help but be bothered, and at some point be swayed by it.

It takes a faithful person to look beyond the criticisms and find it in themselves to believe in something that they believe to be true. What the church has instilled in me is that there is only One Truth and the other worldly “truths” are just fads. Doesn’t it make living easier? You only have to follow One Rule. Sadly, this is not the case.

It gets complicated as you go though life. I sin, God forgives – the cycle goes on. I try to be a good person but sometimes I fail. We blame God for every bad thing that happens but do we ever consider the bad things we have done? We say, “But he’s God! If He loves us he shouldn’t allow bad things to happen!” This view of God is so selfish and so human. It’s like saying, “He shouldn’t allow us to live our lives the way we want it! He should just take away our free will and be in control of everything!” I know this isn’t much of a convincing defense, but I believe everything happens for a reason.

I remember a few years back, a friend knocked on my door. She was with two other girls I didn’t know so I felt weird but something was up, that I know. She asked me, do you know why God allows suffering? I’ve never been asked this question before so I thought for a while and said, “Maybe God wants to test our faith.” At that time, I was thinking along the lines of “if you remain faithful despite all the bad things that happen to you, you will be rewarded later in life.” Oh, simple me. Then she countered with, “Would you sacrifice your arm to God?” I thought, “Huh?” Then she asked me, in so many words, whether I’d like to know God and basically convert to their religion. I said, politely, that I’m happy being a Catholic.

They tell us we’re hypocrites – how we claim to be Catholics and yet live our lives in a manner contradicting the very faith we proclaim to be a part of. I understand this part for I myself think this way (with matching eye-roll) when I see people proclaim how good a person they are because they have God on their side and they can quote Bible verses, to the point of literally listing their good traits, and then overlooking the fact that they can be evil, kind of like the Pharisees. (See? I’m just as evil.) I believe being a Catholic doesn’t automatically make you a good person, in the same way as being an atheist doesn’t automatically make you a bad person. I told a nun once that sometimes the reason I don’t pray that often is I’m ashamed of myself. I don’t think I’m worthy. She told me, “No one is worthy. He knows. You don’t have to pretend to be good in His eyes.” Indeed.

Yes, I’m far from being the ideal Catholic; I don’t think I will ever be. I see it as almost impossible. But instead of giving up, I remain hopeful. He’s not giving up on me, why should I? I know, for non-believers this is hard to grasp and again, I’m not the right person to make you understand. I don’t intend to. All I know is that it’s hard to reconcile the world, this life, and the truth you perceive to be the only one. For as long as you are living in this world, there are choices to make. Which rule do you follow? Are you able to do it?

Everyday I answer these questions. Everyday is a choice. Non-believers question believers why they believe. I cannot answer their questions for I have looked beyond that because I just … believe. It cannot be proven by equations; it does not need to be proven. To me, that is the fundamental truth. I choose to accept it for I cannot live my life in any other way; it feeds my soul. Without it, I will be simply lost.

{ joycie at 2:32 p.m.}