The Ego Episodes

Monday, Oct. 13, 2003

The Tummy

Joycie: Ow.
Nasty Case of Stomach Cramps: Haha! I'm kicking the crap out of you! Haha!
Joycie: Shut up. Not. Funny.
NCoSC: Yes it is! Did I not warn you about the harmful effects of eating too much so late at night?
Joycie: It has nothing to do--
NCoSC: Yes it does! Ooh, [start creepy baby talk]looks like Joycie's not touching another orange again. Ever. Awww.[/end creepiness]
Joycie: Like this has stopped me before. I just want to sit [ow] like [ow] this [ow] forever. Maybe [groans] I could [ow] stretch a biiii [ow] --- nope. No, no. No stretching.
NCoSC: Want an orange?
Joycie: You're mean.

Really, I can't think of anything else but getting out of this body. Here I am writing the initial draft of my final [ow] report due sometime in November and nothing's been going through my mind except this unbearable pain. And I know it won't go away by writing about it or fighting against it in writing. Physical pain is torture. Bulging, bloated, cramped tummy is torture with the primary objective of inflicting the greatest amount of pain.

Ugh. I can't do anything about it except wait. Or, I could take an MC (medical certificate) and get off from work at 9:30 in the morning and lie down in bed the whole day. Tempting, but no. I just want this pain to go. Away. I want my mommyyyyy ---

You are a rational being, highly capable of making complex decisions (albeit not always the correct one) in almost every aspect of life. And yet, out of sheer boredom, reasoning gets sucked out of you (like everything else) and you do things that are not at all characteristic of someone rational. Or human. Let's, for argument's sake, take eating as an example.

Why eat? When you know you're not in the least bit hungry. When you know better than disobeying what your body's trying to tell you in big, bold letters: DO NOT EAT. Why in the world would you want to eat then? Because, you're bored. Because, your computer's as good as dead and ready to be chucked out (should've been chucked out days ago). Because it's either (eating) or staring at the four walls in your room. Because you think that once you've eaten, you'll feel better and more importantly, not bored.

Aah, thank you, Hot Water. What would I do without you? My tummy ache's gone (for now) so I shall talk about something else: Hate.

When someone told me she shared my dislike for this particular 'friend', I don't know if my reaction was right. Childish: Thank you! She was not a nice person, right? Right? Yay, somebody else hates her! That was my initial reaction and I had no right to be twenty. But then I thought about it and I felt relieved. Relieved that I didn't dislike this person for no reason. All this time I kept on asking myself what I did that we ended up hating each other (Yes, it was mutual). Is there something wrong with me? Or is there something wrong with her? Or both? But the fact that there is somebody else who confirms my belief that it is more her fault than mine means that maybe, there is definitely something wrong with her. But then again, it doesn't disprove that I have something to do with it. She doesn't go around making enemies out of everyone she comes in contact with. So it must be two-way.

It's normal to feel self-righteous. 'It's not my fault', we'd automatically hiss at any pointing fingers. It's not easy to own up to something, especially if it has some undesirable repercussions. When we were kids, it's because we'd do anything just to escape punishment. Later, as grown-ups, it's because of ... I don't know ... a lot of reasons. But I think it's basically because we don't want to hurt our egos. We think so highly of ourselves that we sometimes think we're infallible superbeings that the moment we err (oh no!) we deny it, blaming it on anything/someone rather than ourselves.

Look around and you'll see ads encouraging narcissism. Beauty products, cool jeans, shoes, handphones -- it's all about YOU. You, you, you. Alone. Although there's nothing wrong with treating ourselves to tangible things, it implies how much we adore ourselves. We are flawless. We deserve these things and more. I am always right.

Until something happens and it hits you: there is something wrong with me and I have to do something about it. I'm stubborn but when it comes to doing the right thing, I'm not. I believe it's my fault as much as hers. Now as to her other enemies, it's for her to figure out why their number keeps on increasing (and not the other way around).

I'm lucky. I still have friends and well, no (other) enemies (I don't treat her as one, though.) at the moment/that I'm aware of. It's a waste of energy, maintaining grudges. Although there's nothing wrong with loving the self, too much of it can consume you. And no matter how much you keep on telling the other person that it's her fault, too, it's not going to work unless she sees it for herself: it's my fault.

I'm amazed that some people can still put up with her. They should be ordained to sainthood. But somebody has to tell her she's being awful at times to some people. Just like I need someone to remind me I'm being bitchy/whiny/noisy (whichever applies). Then I'll see what I can do about it. It's not always about me. I don't see why I should not change for the better. I don't see why she can't see how awful she is sometimes. I'm sorry, I have to use that word (awful) because I don't know if 'bratty' quite describes her enough. Compared to her, Amy is a saint.

And I know I have no right to judge her like that. I'm the last person to judge someone. I'm outright flawed. Why else would I be writing this? But I'm just being honest. To myself. I need to lift this burden off my shoulder that keeps on pinning this ugly thing on me (me!). Being self-righteous for the wrong reasons is as wrong as blaming yourself for something you didn't do.

I'm just saying.

(Side note: I may have said mean things in here but I just want this out of my system. I might take this entry down, or parts of it, in the future. Meanwhile, I leave it as it is. You see, boredom (at work) really sucks out everything in you.)

{ joycie at 8:31 p.m.}