The Ego Episodes

Friday, Mar. 11, 2005

Thank you, Strunk and White!

I think it's time to update. The lack of updates is due to the overwhelming stress normally associated with finishing an overdue 50-page scientific report, written in a manner that is extremely controlled and behaved; any hint of emotion is inappropriate, i.e. like how this sentence was written.

That's how I sounded like in my report. It was, how do I put it nicely, AGONIZING, I wanted to die. This was like senior year in high school, only worse. I know it's silly to put this much importance to a paper, but IT IS IMPORTANT simply because YOU CAN'T GRADUATE WITHOUT IT. Long story short, I started writing at the last possible moment because I thought I could wrap everything up in a week. Clearly, I've forgotten who I am. I'm Joyce, the tortoise of writers. I ... write ... sloooooowww... reeeeeally ... slooowww ... And technical reports are even harder to write what with all its brain power requirements. One day before the deadline and I'm still barely halfway done. That's when I lost it.

I cried in the midst of a severe panic attack because I didn't know what to do. I was angry and sad that I couldn't finish on time because I simply do not know what to write anymore. The next thing I know I was hyperventilating for the first time. Bad, bad, experience, let me tell you. Talking is like breathing to me and hyperventilating is being deprived of both, complete with chest pain.

Then Monday night, a week after the deadline (my professor was cool about handing in late), I became insane and worked on it until the next day, without pausing to sleep. I just couldn't bear thinking about it for another day so I said to (scolded) myself, okay, it's now or never. Get it over and done with NOW. TODAY. NO LATER, NO TOMORROW. NOW. So I did. And, without any caffeine in my system! Up to this day, It's a mystery I survived that ordeal. I only took a break at 4 am when I suddenly felt drained and hungry. I ate cereal with milk and took a nap for 20 minutes. Then I was at it again. Until 6:30 am. Which dragged on to about 4 pm the next day. Notice I didn't complain about sleep deprivation because I find it fulfilling sometimes. It makes you feel like a real college student, scholarly and hardworking, instead of someone who goes to lectures carrying notes and goes back to a room full of dirty laundry. Oh wait, that's a real college student, too. My point is, sleep deprivation is part and parcel of being in a university and I've accepted, or rather, embraced that fact.

So fast forward to today. I just got an email from my prof saying my report was "exemplary". How cool! I mean, yay! Then I mentally thanked Strunk and White because their book had a hold on me since I read it four years ago. But then again, I may know how to write my report, but my research leaves a lot to be desired. But still, I'm happy. Now there's the fulfilling part of sleep deprivation.

Speaking of fulfilling, I joined a singing competition for the first time since I was 5 (when I was too young to be embarrassed in front of a crowd). I love singing, but the main reason I joined is the cash prize. I mean, $200 for first place is quite a catch when all you have to do is sing in front of strangers, many of whom will be critical and mentally throwing tomatoes at you while you perform. That's nothing. Second, I wanted to get it over and done with already. Every time I hear someone perform on stage, there would be that nagging feeling in me, you know? What am I doing watching when I can sing, at least as good as them, if given a chance. So when the chance came, I took it.

No matter how much calming mantras I come up with, all of that becomes ineffective on stage. The microphone feels cold, you're doubly conscious of everyone staring at you, plus the lights. They blind you. Then in the middle of your performance, you can't help but notice people whispering to each other and you wonder, are they talking about me? What? Am I off-pitch? Okay, don't get distracted Joyce, you can do this. You've been singing this song many times your neighbors are practically sick of hearing it. Then, OMG, why do I sound different? The microphone is distracting. It wasn't like this during rehearsal. Why the sudden boom, Mr. Microphone? No, you can't let a microphone ruin your chances. Then before you know it, you're down to the last note. You want to leave a lasting impression so you give it all. And you earn an applause from a supportive crowd. Then you smile and exit and notice that you're hands are shaking. But then you relax. It's over. Thank God.

Personally, I thought I could sing better than that. But I'm not aiming for a singing career so it's ok. And the thing with this competition is that everyone, except me and another girl, was singing Chinese songs. So I didn't expect to win, really. So when I got into the top three, I was already happy. I mean, yay, $50 if I get third place! But I got the second prize. YAY! So that's $100 for me. Not bad. Ooh, and I got a sunflower buoquet! Not bad indeed.

(I'm getting really sleepy writing this entry.) After the contest, the night was young, so we went for prata. I was touched by the support my friends gave me. I'm sure they were the ones shouting after my performance, haha! And Donny even escaped an activity he has to be in just to watch me sing. I mean, I really needed him there, or else who would I sing the lines "'Cause I'm your lady, and you are my man" to?

Yes, I picked the most boring song on earth. Yes, it's the same song that damned Melinda Lira.

P.S. I hate someone on the web, and she earns her reputation by being a bitch. What could be lower than that? And people love her! I am just appalled.

{ joycie at 4:34 p.m.}